So, the baby started walking this weekend. Mom and Dad were all excited about it. They clapped and laughed. Big deal, I thought. I’ve been walking for ages. It’s not that hard. I went back to my toy. It is a really great toy. I thought my parents would love it too, but when I showed it to them they only looked at it and went back to clapping for the baby.

For real? Are they clapping for this guy? He’s not even doing any tricks! He’s just standing there. These people will clap for anything.

I’m just going to say it: the baby is not that impressive. Let’s look at the facts:

1. He still pees his pants. I don’t want to brag, but I learned to pee in the yard in like one day. One. This kid has taken a year, and I don’t see him picking it up anytime soon.
2. He has no idea how to play fetch. He just kind of hands me the ball. Everyone thinks it’s cute, but I just want to play fetch.
3. He does not understand “gentle” at all! Mom and Dad keep telling him to pet me gently, but he just smacks me on the head. It’s like he is not even listening. Mom and Dad say I was a crazy puppy and I wrecked all their stuff, but I had to be better than this kid. He is like a little tornado, spreading destruction everywhere he goes.
4. He tries to eat things that are not food. Okay, I do that too. Never mind.
5. He is a terrible sitter. He is always moving around, but Mom and Dad still seem pretty impressed. Maybe it’s because he is the younger one, but there is no way they would have let me get away with that sub-par sitting.
6. He doesn’t seem to understand that many words. Mom and Dad talk to him all day and nothing. It’s like talking to a wall. I am by no means an expert in the English language, but I picked up “no”, “treats” and “walk” in like 20 minutes. This kid can only say “dog” and “yeah”. A future public speaker, he is not.
7. He tries to eat my kibble. Really kid? They gave you a piece of steak, but you want kibble?? I am not sure he’s playing with a full deck.
8. He doesn’t know any tricks. I can sit, lie down, shake a paw and high five. He doesn’t know how to do anything! He just started to wave. Finally! It’s about time this kid learned how to do something.

So yeah, he’s not that impressive but he has a few things going for him. For example:

1. He drops a lot of food. Not right away, but if I wait long enough by the high chair the kid starts making it rain breakfast. The vet says I gained a few pounds, but they can suck it. Mom and Dad never feed me their food, but I know I can always count on the baby to drop some yummy people food.
2. He is always really happy to see me. His whole little face lights up. I mean, okay, I have seen him get just as excited about a ceiling fan, but I like to think he really does like me. He may not have gentle down but he has good taste in dogs.

The baby is not that impressive, but I think I’ll keep him anyway.