A Brutally Honest Christmas Card

Well, it’s that time again! Time to celebrate the holidays with family and friends. It is apparently also time to write Christmas letters and stick them into cards to update said friends and family on your life for the last year. I love getting these, but I almost never get myself together enough to write one for our family. So instead, let me send this digital version to all my friends and family online. Here goes:

Dear friends and family, (and internet strangers)

As you might imagine 2018 has been an absolute roller coaster for us. It all began back in January, with me heavily pregnant with twins and absolutely sick with hyperemesis gravidarum, as well as being unbearably unpleasant. I had a baby jammed in my ribs, another sitting on my bladder and this somehow made my leg go completely numb and unusable for a few months. Happy New Year! In February, we celebrated the birth of our beautiful, fraternal twin girls. We worried about how we would tell them apart, but turns out they look completely different so no problems there.


I think some things happened in March and April, but I’m not really sure what. There was crying, and lots of breastfeeding and a toddler running around like some sort of feral child. Also, the dog was there? I think? Yes, because someone kept eating dog food.

The spring was good. The older child learned how to count and asked why a lot. He runs super fast, which has helped mommy get back in shape. Also, managing twins solo on maternity leave has built me some killer biceps. The babies learn how to roll over, laugh at their brother’s antics and meet the adoring fans they attract like magnets when we go anywhere. My twins are like celebrities at Costco. We went for like 2 hours and I’m not sure we even moved from the front entrance. Good news though, I got giant muffins.

The summer was super busy! We had most of our birthdays in August. The big one turned 3! He also learned to use the potty like a civilized human. You can read about the struggles here, if you like. Luckily he is doing great with it now. He has somehow survived the entire year eating a few yogurts, a bunch of goldfish crackers and fruit at home. At daycare he happily consumes a wide variety of international dishes. He has learned some of the alphabet, lots of numbers and a million new words. If you come to our house he will make you play pretend. Better brush up on your kids TV shows right now. What’s that you say? You don’t want to come over here? Why not? Do you hate crying, incessant preschool talking and dogs barfing at inopportune times? Do you want to finish a sentence, eat food leisurely and sit down? Me too. Can we do that at your house?


Fall was pretty interesting. The babies learned to sit, began to eat real food and started doing cute things like clapping, talking and singing. We took the whole crew, plus two grandparents to a cottage for the week and everyone had fun! Even on the drive back when we had to stop 4 times for crying babies, preschooler to use the potty at the McDonalds by the highway (not in the McDonalds – on his potty literally by the side of the road), more crying and cookies. Mommy got back into playing music with her community band and Daddy enjoyed taking friends and family to Argos games when he could pry our children off him. They are otherwise both exhausted shells of their former selves. Their other hobbies include bickering over stupid things, eating snacks when our kids go to bed and trying to pass off childcare to other people.


Winter is getting real. It takes FOREVER to get three small children dressed to go outside. Plus when you get there, only one of them likes it. One of the babies learned to crawl, and the other only moves when I leave the room, so we are not sure how she does it and actually that is the scariest thing about this year. The preschooler is getting fun to take on outings, except when he is completely melting down and screaming. The babies are getting louder too. It almost makes Mommy look forward to returning to the peace and quiet of work, where she teaches beginner band all day. Ahh, the sweet, soothing sounds of the beginner brass section. (Actually, Mommy is returning in February and she is excited. She has missed work.) After a series of lucky events, we also secured daycare spots for all of our kids AT THE SAME DAYCARE!!! So, our daycare provider is clearly amazing. She will be counting down the days until the big one starts kindergarten in September. Also, sorry we didn’t mail any cards. We couldn’t get all our kids to look at the camera at once. We also tried to get our son to paint crafty cards, and he did one and ran away. I debated painting the rest and giving him credit, but I opted to drink coffee instead. We were successful in putting up a little Christmas tree and even ornaments on one branch near the bottom. It is looking kind of dead now, so hopefully it makes it to Christmas. No one will get to sit and look at it anyway.


So, I think that pretty much sums it up. Hope your holidays are great! Bring coffee.


The Newbie Family 2018


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