I am living in a dictatorship. Well, sort of. I actually live in a democratic country. It’s just my house that is a dictatorship. The great and merciful leader? Our baby.
Sure, he looks cute, but don’t be fooled. He rules our house with an iron fist. He has graciously permitted me to have 30 minutes of media time, so I have decided to use it to tell the outside world what is really going on in our house.
Here are 5 reasons my baby might be a tiny dictator:
He Wields complete power over the household:
Though he has yet to master basic human skills, he has taken over out house. He determines when we go out, what we do on weekends, when we sleep, when we eat and what we buy. Sure, on the surface it looks like we maintain decision-making, but that’s just what he wants us to think. The truth is most decisions we make are made with him in mind. Just like a dictator, he is running the show.
He demands attention at all times:
This is not because he is a particularly difficult baby. He is very pleasant and social. However, he is also very mobile. He crawls very fast and is super curious. He also has very good fine motor skills, so if he is left unsupervised for more than 12 seconds he has already destroyed the house. Like his mother, he is a bit of a daredevil, which means that he demands that his loyal subjects (his dad and I and the dog) must be alert and ready to step in when he is about to hurt himself. Which is a lot.
He uses sporadic torture to keep his subjects in line:
No one wants to hang out with dictators, but they are rarely alone. Do you know how they do it? Torture. Our little dictator has a very effective arsenal of torture techniques at his disposal. His favourite and most effective weapon is sleep deprivation. He makes liberal use of this when his parents decide to finally leave the house past 6 pm. Or on a Wednesday. Or when you are feeling like a good parent. Just because he can.
Other favourite torture techniques include hair pulling, gum scratching, random face smacking and inserting his finger as far as possible up our noses. And he does it all while smiling his adorable gummy smile. Is this cute or unsettling? I’m not sure…because I am so sleep deprived. Boy, not all dictators are benevolent.
He censors our media:
Our tiny dictator has a very specific set of accepted media. These include CD’s of kids songs from his baby music class, Treehouse TV and videos of himself and the dog. All other media is banned. However, since he lacks the technical skills needed to filter said media, he settles for making super loud noises while any other media is playing, making it inaudible. He also periodically demands our phones, presumably to check that we are following his rules.
He is Super Narcissistic:
Like any dictator (or Kanye), our little dictator’s favourite person is himself. He cannot get enough of his own cute face. His biggest problem is that he is unable to see himself. Luckily, he can see his image all over our house: in the mirror, in pictures and as a reflection in various surfaces. This is not enough for our little dictator however. While he is checking our phones for contraband media, he takes a break to enjoy some pictures and videos…of himself. And delete any picture that do not contain his face. Those ones suck anyway. You’re welcome world.
Oh crap, he’s coming. Got to get back to accepted media or I’ll get the gum scratching again.