humor

Best Parenting Tweets of 2018 (From my own damn feed)

~ newbiemomsite ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I love those “best of” Twitter feeds. You know, the ones where the author puts a bunch of great Tweets on marriage, parenting or a variety of other topics together all in one place. Awesome for those of us who like to laugh but don’t have time to scroll through Twitter.

But, my friends, what the heck do you have to do to get your tweets on those lists? I’ve tried absolutely nothing. So, wait, you mean I should tweet more than sporadically, have a lot of followers and put in some work on marketing? Yeah, I’m not doing that. It’ll eat into my showering time. So, instead I think I will just make a best of 2018 list for my own awesome feed! Brilliant. Here we go.

On Marriage:

 

On Pregnancy and Labour:

On Parenting:

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Potty Training: A Captain’s Log

~ newbiemomsite ~ 1 Comment

The time has come for the tiny human to join acceptable society in using the potty. It became apparent that the tiny human was not going to potty train himself, so the Captain and First Mate will have to bravely go where they haven’t gone before. (To the store to buy a potty.) The Captain and First Mate begin this stage by doing some reading. Though the reading makes them feel guilty for waiting until Tiny Human was so old to begin this journey, it also allows them to begin to imagine a future without diapers. Then they look at their other, tinier humans and quickly give up this dream. Finally, along comes the dreaded day.

Day 1: It begins

7:00am: Though the Captain and First Mate have been preparing the tiny human for this change for many weeks, he has been taken by surprise. Rather than comply with the inevitable, he is instead staging a mutiny! This will not stand. Continue reading →

How to Play Sports like a Toddler

~ newbiemomsite ~ Leave a comment

My toddler LOVES sports. Actually, I think this is an understatement. He lives for sports from the moment he wakes up until the moment he falls asleep.

Are you a sports fan? Do you think you know all the rules? My toddler says you don’t. As with most things, toddlers have their own way of doing things and my toddler has made up his own (much improved) rules to several popular sports.

So, just in case you come over to visit, I would like to record the toddler-approved rules to baseball, soccer, football and hockey. (Because if you come over here, you will be playing one of them.) Continue reading →

Ways I “old-personed” this week

~ newbiemomsite ~ Leave a comment

Okay, full disclosure: I am not an old person. Well, at least not according to me. My students will tell you that I am the oldest person they know. (Teenagers think everyone older than 20 is ancient.) I do, however, have a few old person tendencies and these have only been enhanced by my status as a new parent.

Since I went back to work, I have been doing more “old-personing” than usual. “Old-personing” is a slippery slope, you see. It starts with an afternoon nap and suddenly you’re up at 5 am counting the hours until you can watch Jeopardy and go to bed. This, my friends, is “old-personing.” Are you guilty of this too?

Here are the ways I “old-personed” this week: Continue reading →

Guest Blog by Hazel the dog: Baby’s Walking? Big deal. I walk everyday.

~ newbiemomsite ~ 1 Comment

So, the baby started walking this weekend. Mom and Dad were all excited about it. They clapped and laughed. Big deal, I thought. I’ve been walking for ages. It’s not that hard. I went back to my toy. It is a really great toy. I thought my parents would love it too, but when I showed it to them they only looked at it and went back to clapping for the baby.

For real? Are they clapping for this guy? He’s not even doing any tricks! He’s just standing there. These people will clap for anything.

I’m just going to say it: the baby is not that impressive. Let’s look at the facts:

Continue reading →

Times I Feel like a Super Mom, but Probably Shouldn’t.

~ newbiemomsite ~ Leave a comment

When you are a parent, each day is full of small victories. And I mean small. Some are downright minuscule.

But we all have days like that, right? Days where nothing seems to go right. Our kids are little terrors who make us count down the minutes until bedtime. Everything is a mess, there is no food in the fridge and you can’t seem to get more than a sip of coffee.

On those days, those little victories keep you going. You feel like someone should come around the corner presenting you with a “parent of the year” trophy. Sadly, no one else seems to feel your day merits any trophies. Even though you feel victorious the rest of the world is not that impressed.

Here are a few times I felt like a Super-mom, but no one else agreed:

Continue reading →

5 Reasons Parenting is just like American Ninja Warrior

~ newbiemomsite ~ 6 Comments

Anyone else completely hooked on American Ninja Warrior? For those who haven’t seen it, it is an obstacle course challenge where people compete to test their fitness and possibly win a million dollars. I have been watching for a few seasons now and I have to say that it is one of my favourite summer shows. As I watched last night, a thought struck me for the first time. Being a parent is just like American Ninja Warrior.

Okay, there are no commentators, no prize money and no muscled athletes (at least at our house). But there are many similarities between American Ninja Warrior and being a parent.

Here are 5 reasons why American Ninja Warrior is just like parenting:

Continue reading →

10 Commandments for Travelling with your Baby

~ newbiemomsite ~ 6 Comments

I. Thou shalt bring all the baby’s toys in hopes of distracting them, but all the baby shall  want to do is play with napkins.

II. Thou shalt attempt to pack a sense of humour and some patience. Thou will not be able to fit those things in thine suitcases because of all the toys.

Continue reading →

Breastfeeding a newborn vs. a 10 month old

~ newbiemomsite ~ 10 Comments

Before I had a baby, I thought that once you got the hang of breastfeeding, it was all the same from there. Not so, my friends!

Turns out that feeding a newborn is vastly different from breastfeeding an older baby. I decided to compare the highs and lows of breastfeeding a baby at different ages. Let me show you what I mean.

Newborn

Positives: Ugh, are there any? Keeping baby alive is one. Cuddling is sometimes another. Also, you can watch TV while feeding without distracting the baby. Continue reading →