The Stages of a Sleepless Night

  1. Shock: You bolt out of bed as the wail of the baby seems to come from nowhere. What time is it? When did he last eat? When did we fall asleep? Should we wait to see if he soothes himself?
  2. Sadness: You have just looked at the clock and it is 2 hours since you last looked at the clock. You begin calculating how much time you actually spent asleep as you walk to the baby’s crib. It is a depressingly low number.

  1. Denial: No way is he up again! He can’t be hungry or wet! The clock is lying. It is an evil lying clock.
  2. Anger: Why does he hate sleep??? We have tried everything. He is fed, changed, burped and warm so what the hell does he want? Oh no, he did not just pee himself! What the *^%$! Why does the universe want to test me? What did I do to deserve this sleep deprivation? Is it because I didn’t choose cloth diapers? Well &^%$ you, stupid universe.
    1. Alternately, this anger may be directed at your partner, who appears to still be asleep. How DARE he look so comfortable right now? He is definitely getting more sleep than me. That smug jerk.
  3. Bargaining: If he goes to sleep right now, and sleeps for at least 3 hours I will clean the bathroom tomorrow. If he sleeps for 4 hours, I will cook a bunch of food and freeze it for later and we will go on an educational walk around the neighbourhood. If I could get just a little more sleep, I will do anything. Except give up carbs. I will not do that.
  4. Questioning all your choices: Why didn’t I go to bed earlier? Why didn’t I go to the store yesterday when I was better rested? Why didn’t I make him take his nap earlier? Should I have made him take more naps? Should I bring him in the bed, just this once?
  5. Slight hope: Maybe he will nap today and I can nap too? This will probably not happen, but will help you get through the day.
  6. Attempting to see the good in the situation (optional…very optional): At least I got some exercise walking back and forth to his crib. At least the baby looks cheerful. At least I got some sleep last month…I think?
  7. Resignation: There is just no sleeping tonight. In fact, why bother lying down. I will just curl up in a pile on the floor of his room, and await his next demand. We are all subjects of Lord Baby. All hail Lord Baby.
  8. Caffeine: Just give me the coffee or tea in a large bucket with a straw please.



2 thoughts on “The Stages of a Sleepless Night

  1. Lol too funny – I agree with this! Easy to see how sleep deprivation is a legitimate form of torture! I call my daughter a little dictator 🙂


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