Okay, full disclosure: It has been a while since I was drunk. I was never someone who really got drunk a lot, but it has really lost it’s appeal since my son was born. Who wants to be hung over around small children? No one.
Even if you don’t miss the after-effects, you may still miss the fun aspects of drinking. Going out at night is fun, right? Hanging out with friends is fun. (I seem to recall…) Also, drunk people are hilarious.
But newbie mom, I never go out at night anymore. How am I supposed to find drunk people to laugh at? Never fear! I’ve got a solution: hang out with a toddler!
It is common knowledge that toddlers are basically just tiny drunk people. Any internet search will confirm this fact. I am not saying anything new here – I only offer more evidence.
Here is more proof that toddlers are basically the same as your drunk friends:
They fall down a lot
You know when you’re out for drinks and your friends start getting clumsy? You’ll be walking down the street and someone will just fall over. Then everyone will laugh at them as they struggle to get to their feet, laughing hysterically.
This is what toddlers are like all the time. My son completely wipes out at least 20 times a day. This can be caused by nothing at all. He will just fall over, laugh and then roll around on the floor until he finds a way to get back up. Then he sees something shiny and runs off after it. Just like your drunk friends.
They have major mood swings
The best part of drunk people is their completely unpredictable moods. One minute they are laughing hysterically, singing at the top of their lungs and the next they are tearfully proclaiming their love for you and your other friends. If you miss this, you need to hang out with toddlers.
Yesterday in 10 minutes, my toddler went from hysterical laughter at a funny song I was singing to serious contemplation of his eggs. He looked at them, tilted his head and then said something that was probably very profound, but sounded like gibberish. Then he ended with huge, gulping sobs when my husband took away a fork he was attempting to poke in his eye. See? Just like your drunk friends.
They dance randomly in public
It is a well known fact that drunk people love dancing in public. Not only that, but they dance really badly. If they were sober they would be completely embarrassed. Luckily they’re not sober, so they are loving it!
Toddlers are also big fans of terrible public dancing. My son’s favourite dance move consists of him holding his arms straight up in the air and turning from side to side. His other move is just walking in place. He does this anytime he hears music. And, just like your drunk friends, he is not satisfied until everyone is doing his terrible dance moves right along with him.
They love repetition
Most drunken conversations are quite repetitive. Have you noticed this? Next time you go out for a night, leave your phone recording. Chances are you will hear the same things over and over. This seems terrible if you are sober, but amazingly witty when you are the drunk person.
Toddlers are also very repetitive. They love to read the same thing over and over. They love to hear the same songs on repeat for a month. They repeat the same words over and over. My son has been saying “car” 300 times every walk and repeating a single song lyric at least 50 times a day.
Okay, this may be because they only know a handful of words, but I think we have all seen articulate adults descend into toddler level incomprehensibility after a few pints. So both your drunk friends and my toddler will tell you the same story all day, but only one of them is drunk.
They need your help to get to bed
I think all of us have had to tuck a drunk friend into bed. If we are lucky, they are a sweet, compliant drunk who settles nicely into bed, telling you how much they love you. If you are really unlucky you will fight your feisty, drunk friend into bed by force while they cry and struggle.
Or perhaps you have tried to leave your friend safely in their bed and go home before work. Only your friend doesn’t want to go to bed. Instead they try their best to keep you at their place so you can “just hang out! We never just hang out anymore!”
You just never know which one you’ll get! Oh boy! This is just like toddlers.
This week alone we have had all of these scenarios. My toddler has been carried, screaming and crying to bed. He has also attempted to stall us by making us read 15 stories and pretended he wants to cuddle. Once he compliantly went to bed, only to wake us up several hours later to read more stories and have a snack.
Sounds just like my drunk friends. How about yours?