Well, we’re in the holiday home stretch now! With one week until Christmas, we have finished our shopping and wrapped all the presents. I know! I feel so on top of things this year.

My toddler would like to announce that he is also finished with his presents for the holidays. Spoiler: he went the “home made” route this year. He can’t exactly go to the store, after all. These gifts may be a tad unusual, but he thinks you will love them.

Here is what my toddler is getting you for Christmas:

A slobbery, open mouth kiss

Mistletoe or not, my toddler has brought you a great big kiss. He hasn’t quite mastered the kiss yet, so it will be more like an open-mouthed, chomp on your face. He thinks this is so much more personal than a traditional, lips only, kind of kiss. He hopes you agree.

All the ornaments from our tree

He loves the ornaments and he knows you will love them too. He especially loves then when they are not on the tree. After all, people just put the ornaments on the tree and forget about them. Not my toddler. He brings each one down to admire every day. He will expect you to do the same when he brings you your ornaments.

In fact he loves them so much that he has decided to do a little quality control before giving them to you. He puts them through rigorous testing, to ensure their sturdiness. First he will drop them on the floor, throw them to the dog and hide them in the couch. If they pass these tests, he will then chew on them for a bit. If they are still good, they will be worthy of your gift. So thoughtful.

Soggy goldfish crackers

You know all that energy you spend chewing those crunchy crackers? The noise alone is enough to drive you crazy, right? Don’t you wish they were a little bit softer? And whats with all the flavour? Don’t you wish it was a bit diluted?

Well, my toddler has the perfect gift for you! He will pre-taste all your goldfish crackers to ensure optimum squishiness and flavour dilution. Merry Christmas!

Stuff that you thought you threw away

My toddler can’t find his pacifier when it is a foot away but he can somehow find things I thought we lost in our last move – 7 years ago. For Christmas this year he will bring you all kinds of stuff you thought you lost.

That wrapper you thought you threw away last week? Or that old slipper you  thought was missing? Or the allan key you used to build that shelf  years ago? Do you ever think of those things with longing – a sense of what might have been? Well, my toddler has found it and he will bring it to you for Christmas. He also has lots more garbage treasures for you. Most of it will be kind of dangerous or gross, but it’s the thought that counts. Right?

One of his books

Except he doesn’t want you to keep it. He would like you to read him the first two pages 87 times. Just the first two pages. Not the third and NOT the fourth. Just pages one and two – got it? Great. Who wants to read a whole book anyway? Not him. Let’s face it, if they haven’t said every crucial plot point in the first two pages, then the rest won’t be worth reading anyway. Unless there are farm animals. He loves those.

Also, this is the gift that keeps on giving. No, not because reading stimulates imagination. It’s because he will keep bringing it back to you randomly throughout the day. He thinks this keeps things spontaneous.

 

The worst game of hide and seek ever

The rules of hide and seek are pretty simple: hide quietly until you are found. My toddler thinks this is too complicated. Why actually hide when you can just turn your face slightly to the left and close one eye? “There! I’ve disappeared completely”, he thinks.

But he worries that this will be too difficult for people to find him. So while he “hides” he will also make loud noises while you pretend to look for him. He will want to do this all day, which he thinks makes it the perfect gift for you.

The cold he got from daycare

As we all know, sick babies are the worst, but no one can say they’re not generous. When my toddler gets a cold, the first thing he does is share it with the rest of us. When something is that fun, why keep it to yourself? He is a giver.

So now he is giving the cold to you. He thinks that you will enjoy it as much as he has. He also hopes you will be able to give it to someone else during the holidays. Got to keep that holiday spirit going!

 

Happy Holidays to everyone from my toddler, the dog, Newbie Mom and Newbie Dad!