An Open Letter to Sleep Regression

Dear Sleep Regression,

On behalf of parent’s everywhere, I would like to tell you a few things that you need to hear.

First, you are a terrible house guest. You show up without warning, either way before or after the books say you are coming. I mean, would it kill you to call first? Send a text? We have lives, you know. You can’t just show up in the middle of the night like that. Especially on a weekday. And you always show up at the most inconvenient times: busy times at work, holidays where you need to deal with difficult and judgy people, when one parent is away.

The worst part is that you show up just when we think we might finally be getting this parenting thing down. We start to think that our child might actually be developing healthy sleep habits. We get used to blocks of gloriously uninterrupted sleep. And then you show up and wreck everything. Seriously, could you just be a little bit more considerate? After all, we drop everything to accommodate you.

And that’s another thing – you overstay your welcome every single time. I am a pretty hospitable person. Sure, come and stay for a few nights, but weeks? Months? You don’t even contribute to the household. No rent, no chores, not even a thank you. I mean, we’ve known each other for almost 2 years now. You know us. How can you still treat us with such disrespect? At the very least, you could show up with coffee. It’s just common courtesy when you are going to keep someone up all night.

Second, your behavior here is completely unacceptable. Don’t you know that you don’t wake a sleeping baby? And you especially don’t wake a sleeping baby multiple times a night. Especially if that baby is not yours.

I know what you’re going to say: “But I bring your child cognitive development, isn’t that worth it?” Well….okay, you’ve got me there. I have no problem with the brain development of my child, obviously, I just take issue with the way you go about it. I hate to tell you how to do your job here, but could you bring it just a little more quickly? Like maybe a couple nights? Also, could you bring the part that tells my child that all his food isn’t hot? He is really not good at colours either. Maybe because he is so tired? Anyway, I cannot explain it anymore, so please just do this one thing for me.

Finally, and I can’t stress this enough, please do not come back. I am not sure why you think we enjoy your company. Maybe we haven’t been as direct or honest as we should have been, but I hope this letter will make our feelings clear. We hate who we become when you’re around. We’re all exhausted, grumpy and argumentative. This is a toxic relationship and I think you should see other people. Please just let us get some rest for a change.

Sincerely,

All new parents