Sick Babies are the Worst

This is true. On the scale of terrible to awesome, they are a solid terrible.

Okay, before you go saying things like: “Newbie mom, YOU’RE the worst. Even sick babies are cute,” go spend a week with a sick baby. In fact, my sick baby is available. Anyone interested?

No? Didn’t think so.

Here is why sick babies are the worst:

Babies are gross on a good day. Sick babies found a way to be even grosser.:

While I’m eating, why don’t I just wipe my snotty hand on your face? There, much better.

First there is the constant runny nose. It drips down their little face all day long, no matter how many times you wipe it. They blow little snot bubbles when they breathe. They hate it when you wipe it, choosing instead to take care of it by burrowing their noses into your clothing or your cheek.

When they sleep, they wake up with snot-crusted lips and faces. Not to mention snot-crusted clothing, hands and baby toys. If you are a germaphobe, this may be enough to give you an anxiety attack.

If that is not bad enough, every time my son sneezes a small snot fountain shoots out of his nose onto whatever happens to be in his path. Sometimes this is the floor, or the dog. Sometimes it is your open mouth. See? The worst.

You can’t really give them anything to help:

You know how when you have a cold, you take load up on cold medicine and then trudge through your day? Not an option with babies. There are baby cold and cough remedies, but good luck giving them any. (If you believe in giving babies cough syrup, that is.)

Babies can’t blow their nose. Why? I can only imagine that it is the universe’s idea of a joke. So, in an attempt to avoid some of the aforementioned snot fountain, I bought a several snot suckers. (Or nasal aspirators, if you are trying to be classy. I am not.) After some trial and error, I did find one that made a little difference. The catch? You have to put one end in your baby’s nose and suck the snot out through a tube. Yup.

Oh, and did I mention that the baby screams the whole time, like you are murdering them. You can’t even explain that this will make them feel better. This makes you feel like the worst parent ever. The worst.

Forget about sleeping it off:


Well, a couple of good sleeps should help. What? A sick baby won’t sleep? Oh, terrific. And neither will you for more than one hour.

Our baby is normally pretty good at falling asleep, but when he is sick he will just start to drift off and then cough and promptly wake himself up. This will happen approximately 400 times until he eventually passes out. He will then sleep for 20 minutes before repeating this cycle. And we all know that cranky, sleep deprived babies are THE WORST.

Everything you thought you knew about soothing a crying baby is useless:

You know that hippo I usually love? Not today.

You know all those tried and tested soothing techniques you usually use? The ones that work every time? Well, throw those out the window, because when your baby is sick none of those will work.

Usually when my baby is having a fussfest, I can reliably stop his tears with a song, a cuddle or – worst case scenario – the boob. However, when he is sick, he does not want to be cuddled and eating enrages him! I tried singing every song we know, and the only one he likes is 13 seconds long. Amazing.

What does work? The only thing that soothes my son during this cold is staring at the ceiling fan and watching “March Madness” on TV. Ugh. The worst.

They have no boundaries with their germs:

You know what your cup needs? Some baby germs. Let me get that for you.

Babies have no boundaries or social graces. They will chew on your face, yank joyfully on your hair and repeatedly smack you in the eye. This is their idea of fun.

Sick babies are even worse. Instead of chewing on your face, they will now stick their germy hands in your mouth. They will sneeze in your eye and wipe their snot on your hair. Basically every surface you touch is covered in a fine layer of baby germs.

So, as a present for your dedicated care, they have decided to share their cold with you. Thanks a lot sick baby. Now that really is the worst.

Feature image: Photo credit: MikeWebkist via / CC BY-NC











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